Mike Chisholm: When Gratitude Leads You to Accept Less Than You Deserve

by Lan Nguyen Chaplin and Mike Chisholm


It’s no secret that practicing gratitude offers numerous benefits that can significantly enhance both individual and organizational performance. Research shows that it leads to increased engagement, higher productivity, and better retention rates. Gratitude can also be a tool for long-term success, fostering a positive mindset and leading to increased job satisfaction.

But what if we told you that gratitude also has its pitfalls?

We’re an unlikely duo—a gratitude and well-being scholar (Lan) and a CEO and executive advisor (Mike)—who connected on LinkedIn and engaged with each other’s content. During our discussions, we both reflected on our career journeys, realizing we shared a common regret: not having been more proactive in self-advocacy throughout our professional lives. This common ground stemmed from our humble beginnings, which had instilled in us a deep sense of gratitude for even the smallest of opportunities or acknowledgments, often at the expense of asserting our own worth and potential. As we delved deeper into the subject, we realized that an imbalanced approach to gratitude can have negative effects on our reasoning and decision making.

If you have ever accepted a modest raise, taken on a lateral move, or agreed to an additional project despite your full workload—all while feeling grateful for your manager’s recognition, yet silencing your true ambitions for fear of seeming ungrateful—you have experienced one of the pitfalls of excessive gratitude, without even realizing it.

But this isn’t as uncommon as you think.

Three Pitfalls of Excessive Gratitude

Falling into a gratitude trap could make us complacent and hinder professional development by creating a barrier to effective self-advocacy. Failing to balance appreciation for what we have and the drive to improve our circumstances can possibly lead to a career where your contributions are praised but the eventual outcome is missed opportunities for professional growth. As you embark on or continue your gratitude practice, be mindful of these three pitfalls—and learn how to avoid them.

Pitfall #1: Becoming content with the status quo or settling for less

Let’s say you get a chance to contribute to an important project. While it’s an exciting opportunity, it’s not exactly what you hoped for. You really aspired to lead this project. You might think to yourself, “I should be grateful I’m on the project. I’m better off than those who didn’t get this chance at all.” This is a classic example of downward social comparison, wherein gratitude can lead you to compare your situation favorably to others who may be less fortunate. While this perspective can be valuable at times, it can also be a barrier to self-improvement and advocacy.

How to avoid this pitfall: 

To avoid complacency and missed opportunities, understand that self-promotion is essential for career growth, and recognize that aspiring for more does not negate gratitude for present circumstances. In fact, aspiring for more reflects a healthy ambition and a desire for continuous improvement.

In a situation like this, engage with your manager to discuss your professional journey by highlighting your capabilities. Affirm your commitment to your ongoing project’s success. Then, clearly articulate your aspirations using “I statements” (e.g., I feel prepared to lead…).

“I statements” allow you to express your perspective assertively while helping listeners understand your viewpoint without feeling attacked, facilitating clearer communication. They also enhance emotional intelligence by increasing awareness of your own emotions. For example, instead of saying “You don’t give me enough stretch projects,” reframe this statement: “I feel ready to take on more challenging assignments that expand my skill set, and I’d like to discuss how I can contribute more to the team.”

This reframing avoids blame, centers a proactive mindset, and invites collaborative dialogue about growth opportunities.

Pitfall #2:  Avoiding critical conversations

An overemphasis on gratitude can make you hesitant to voice legitimate concerns, potentially missing opportunities for improvement. For instance, you may feel hesitant to broach topics such as racism, sexism, or discriminatory behaviors with those in positions of authority or influence, such as managers, donors, founders, or board members because you feel it is expected of you to be grateful for the support they have given you. Or you might hesitate to tell your manager that you might be experiencing burnout fearing you’ll appear ungrateful for the opportunity to work on important projects.

The fear of being perceived as ungrateful for opportunities “given” to you can create a barrier to open communication, where valid concerns are suppressed, perpetuating a cycle of silence around important issues that need addressing.

How to avoid this pitfall: 

Expressing appreciation for opportunities or support doesn’t preclude addressing uncomfortable topics, including systemic issues. One way to avoid this pitfall is by adjusting your mindset to focus on what you have earned (“I’m grateful my manager recognized my high performance and assigned this project to me”) more than what you have been gifted (“I’m grateful my manager gave me the opportunity to work on this project”). This shift in mindset can help you feel empowered to have difficult conversations with your manager.

For example, to address concerns about equity, you can try to frame necessary reforms as commitments to shared values rather than personal attacks on any individual or the leadership team. You could say, “Thank you for fostering a culture where feedback is valued, and we feel heard. To embody our commitment to inclusion, I’d like to work with you to address how promotion timelines disproportionately impact caregivers.” This approach creates a foundation of goodwill that can facilitate challenging conversations while aligning your concerns with the company’s broader mission, increasing the likelihood that your suggestions will be well-received and acted upon.

When discussing workload concerns with your supervisor, present concrete data demonstrating how your capacity has been exceeded. For instance, if you are experiencing burnout risks due to competing priorities, you might say: “I aim to maintain high-quality output on our key projects; however, my current workload is creating conflicting demands. I have three project kick-offs over the next 10 days. And each requires a prep of at least three days. Perhaps we could review organizational priorities to identify tasks that could be temporarily scaled back or reassigned, ensuring that I focus on the most critical areas and perform at high standards without experiencing burnout.”

Pitfall #3: Masking negative emotions

While gratitude can be a powerful tool for well-being, an excessive focus on positivity can sometimes lead to emotional suppression. This phenomenon, often termed “toxic positivity,” occurs when gratitude practices are used to bypass or minimize legitimate concerns and negative experiences. Research also shows that individuals may experience cognitive dissonance when they feel compelled to project positivity despite experiencing negative emotions. By constantly seeking silver linings, you may unintentionally avoid confronting difficult emotions or addressing the underlying issues that are contributing to them.

Say, you’re entrusted with every high-profile project on the team and that makes you feel proud, accomplished, and valued. But you also feel frustrated and overwhelmed at the sheer quantum of that work. You work weekends and nights to get through your to-do list. But you choose not to voice this because you’re grateful for the immense flexibility your manager has extended to you, which has made it easier for you to manage work and life responsibilities.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Remember that it’s normal to have a multitude of emotions and that all emotions are valid and serve a purpose, even the uncomfortable ones. Having the courage to feel negative emotions can be empowering—it can be the fuel you need to push for change.

Setting boundaries is an essential part of this process and it involves clearly communicating your limits and needs to others. For example, in the situation above, you can express your appreciation for another opportunity while transparently outlining how you feel about your current workload. You might say: “Thank you for considering me for another exciting opportunity. I’m eager to start, but I’m also committed to excelling in my current work on [projects]. It’s been challenging managing the competing deadlines for these three projects, and I was wondering if you could help me figure how we should we sequence this new initiative?”

By acknowledging all your emotions and setting clear boundaries, you create a healthier environment that supports self-advocacy. 

Gratitude is vital for mental wellbeing, but it is also important to be mindful of its pitfalls. As you navigate the complex landscape of modern business, it’s crucial to recognize that gratitude and self-advocacy are not mutually exclusive. In fact, when approached mindfully, they can be powerful complementary forces driving both personal satisfaction and professional success. By cultivating empowered gratitude, you can build the confidence and growth mindset needed to advocate for yourself and your organization effectively.

LC

Lan Nguyen Chaplin is professor of marketing at Northwestern University, Medill School of Journalism, Media, Integrated Marketing Communications. She is also the founder of QuanTâm, a nonprofit that creates opportunities for young professionals to expand their networks and sharpen their professional skills while serving their community.    

MC

Mike Chisholm is the Founder and CEO of Chisholm Consulting Group, specializing in strategy planning and execution, mergers and acquisitions, and business transformation. Mike has held senior executive roles in business services and supply chain and logistics, including, President & CEO of A & A Customs Brokers, CEO and COO of Canstar Restorations, and several senior executive leadership roles with Livingston International and Day & Ross.

—Published by the Harvard Business Review